Trust

I’ve been thinking lately about how I can get answers, but there aren’t that many people left that were around during a lot of the years of my life. 

I’m thinking about talking to one of my parents’ siblings.  I wasn’t told nice things about them growing up, so there wasn’t really a relationship, then or now.

Honestly, I didn’t think anyone cared about me.  It seemed like it was only my mother who really loved me or would try to look out for me.  There was never a fear of punishment; it was more of a fear of loss. I realized that before I lost my dad, I feared losing my mom.  She was prone to car accidents, so that would be one way she could “leave” me.  I’m not sure I actually ever really believed that until it happened. 

But then then my father was killed in a car accident, and within a few years, my mother left; only for a while, but it was enough.  I realize I lost my trust in pretty well everyone, but her most of all. 

I have been told over the years “I’m proud of you”, “good job”, “I love you”, “you’re a good mom”, “I’ll never leave you”, “I’m sorry”. But I didn’t believe that those things could be true for a lot of years. Now, of course, some people have proven trustworthy. 

I have to wonder if the terrible things said about someone was actually the whole truth or if there was any truth.

When I’ve said, “we need to talk things out,” I couldn’t always be the one to initiate the conversation. I’ve tried and been told so many lies. Why would I put myself out there again?

An email recently told me I would be a disappointment to my grandparents.  They are both gone now, but that was the one thing that could be said that would strike me in the heart.  Couldn’t have been my husband or kids because I trust them; they wouldn’t lie to me. There would be no reason too.  Couldn’t say that about any other family because she’d made sure I didn’t think any other family cared.  Just her and my grandparents, that’s the extent of people who cared, but I still couldn’t turn to them when I needed help. 

Slowly, now that everyone is gone, I’m discovering the patterns and signs of what happened. It isn’t as helpful, like the way someone could have helped me work through the event after it happened, but I’m still getting there.

Maybe this little bit of communication will answer a question or two. Maybe, I’m still undecided. That trust that I’ll be told the truth is so hard to overcome.